I let 2018 kick my ass.

2018 summary- Got married and moved across the world. A new job, immigration stress, continuous construction of our home. This year has been a year of changes… and stress. Luckily my husband is nothing less than perfection when it comes to support and love. The issue is I've lost myself along the way in 2018. Through all the stress this last year brought, I physically and mentally broke. Losing all passions and confidence as a professional or as a normal functioning human in general.

Looking at any content I gave the internet last year the words lack luster comes to mind. Not really anything I was proud of. Posting lazy selfies and Fuck boi DMs was all I could give just to try and keep my online presence alive. Looking at who Lani was originally to the public eye it is easily to see a pattern was formed. When first starting out I had a clear vision of who Lani Bleu was and the level of content I would create. What I ended up doing was putting myself on this high self of content. Never shifting or experimenting with my content even when I was changing as a person. I created a box, just the same old black and latex look, never allowing myself to explore my own sexuality. This containment created friction of who I presented to be and who I was really. The stark duality made me stop creating all together.

I kept telling myself to try and explain how I was feeling. It help me get a grip on reality for the next few days.

I stopped working in the sex industry, I stopped exploring sex in general. I ended up abstinent just due to stress and lack of confidence for 7-8 months. The final realization happened when I had the worst break down of my life. With my health degrading due to eating my feelings, becoming stagnant physically, to top it off my hair chose to start falling out in chunks with doctors baffled as to the cause. I was at the peak of self-hate. I walked out of the bath naked one night and the idea of my husband kissing me or touching me made a cold sweat cover my body and my hands and arms shake. I was inconsolable for hours. Both the realization of losing my love of my body and the realization of who've I've become. My blood boiled at myself. How dare I do this.

2017 was a great year of exploration, 2018 was the year of change. But the change come with a heavy price. So, what does 2019 bring? 2019 will be the year of growth. My partner and I agreed this is the year that we choose ourselves first. Not selfish but pragmatic. We will live the day to day paying the bills, but also paint if we want to, learn something new, focus on a skill. Explore who he and I are again. Focus on learning and regaining confidence and self-love. I even ate an orange today so like I’m basically killing it already. Be on the look out or update or break downs. And I wish you all a happy 2019.

-Lani Bleu